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The Real Rules of Agility


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Eat your heart out Kennel Club...

First posted on Facebook by Michelle Stone who borrowed it from her friend Judith Faulkner who adapted it from equestrian group, the real rules of Agility are set out below for your delight and entertainment. The Kennel Club rules and regs will never be the same. Feel free to share and /or make up your own.

  • If you really want to get better at agility, take it up at an earlier age, grow an extra three inches of leg and lose three from your waistline.

  • An agility test is a test of your skill against another competitor's luck.

  • Agility is about achieving a harmonious working relationship with your dog, whose main idea of harmony is rolling with his buddies in any disgusting substance that won’t wash out.

  • If you want to end a drought or dry spell, camp at a show without a coat.

  • A decent bra is worth its weight in gold, especially for female competitors.

  • Talented dogs are accident prone and over sensitive.

  • You will have the best run of your entire life but get disqualified for starting before the judge was ready.

  • Never keep more than 30 separate thoughts in your head before a run.

  • Never keep less than another 30 separate thoughts in your head during a run.

  • Dogs do not understand your cues better because you are wearing flashy expensive trainers.

  • If you chose to enter a class under a certain judge they will be replaced five minutes after you arrive on the show ground.

  • The less skilled the handler, the more likely they are to share their critique of your run.

  • If you are considering the services of a dog clairvoyant to help you with training, then you have reached the point of total desperation - try the flashy expensive trainers.

  • Your dog has never heard of Susan Garret, let alone watched online training.

  • No matter how badly you handle a run, it is always possible to do a worse one.

  • If it ain't broke, try changing your cues and it will be.

  • Judges only suffer from temporary blindness when they are judging someone else.

  • If you fall over spectacularly in the arena it will be live-streamed.

  • If you are feeling confident before a show, then three of the International team will turn up and beat you with their inexperienced young dogs.

  • Your dog will perform brilliant running contacts just after you have been eliminated for the wrong course.

  • Since runs of bad competitions come in groups of three, the fourth competition is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

  • Only wear Activewear on a showground if you are happy for your grandchildren to see the photographs.

  • It is surprisingly easy to have the fastest time after having the first jump down.

  • The result of an expensive lesson from a top pro is that you will forget every course you do for the next three months or until it is time for another lesson, whichever is sooner.

  • Remember when buying a collie bred from agility lines, you will need to be at international level athletic fitness just to keep up.

  • If you think your run was better than someone else's, it probably wasn't.

  • If you pay £1000s for an imported pup, you will be beaten in Grade 2 by a Saint Bernard.

  • The more trainers you visit, the more confused you become.

  • If you go to the expense of breeding your bitch, the pup you keep will have a talent for scentwork and no drive worth talking about.

First published 23rd April 2020

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