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Canine humour on the Internet
K-9 humour on the Internet seems to abound. So why not on Agilitynet, too. After all,agility is supposed to be fun. But don't you wonder who thinks up these things in the first place?
The Bill & Beau Show
Beau: No nose? How does it smell?" Bill: Terrible! Boom-boom.
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| Collie + Lhasa Apso = | Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport |
| Spitz + Chow Chow = | Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot |
| Bloodhound + Borzoi = | Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun |
| Pointer + Setter = | Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet |
| Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = | Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries |
| Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = | Pyradachs, a puzzling breed |
| Pekingese + Lhasa Apso = | Peekasso, an abstract dog |
| Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = | Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle |
| Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = | Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists |
| Newfoundland + Basset Hound = | Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors |
| Terrier + Bulldog = | Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes |
| Bloodhound + Labrador = | Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly |
| Malamute + Pointer = | Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway |
| Collie + Malamute = | Commute, a dog that travels to work |
| Deerhound + Terrier = | Derriere, a dog that's true to the end |
= Even better
Sony has produced a new litter of robo-pups to follow in the paw prints of their predecessor, Aibo. The new pups, Latte and Macaroni, are smaller and more intelligent versions of Aibo, who barked his way to popularity in 1999 - selling within 20 minutes of hitting the shelves.
The puppies come with a 64-bit Risc processor and 32Mb of Ram, and are yours to take home for a mere $800.
What
do you get for your money?
For 1.5kgs of dog-shaped metal, you get a friend for life that can not
only recognise and react to 75 voice commands, but sing songs and operate motion picture
photography from a node inserted in its little head.
Latte is supposed to be mild and gentle in nature while Macaron is cheerful and naughty. Both can have a minor personality enhancement operation with the insertion of a Sony Memory Stick. (We'd like to know where!)
An extra spin on sales is expected to come through an animated TV program from Fuji TV Network, starring the pups. The cartoon will go to air in Japan in October and the pups are designed to respond to sounds from the program.
The pups can talk to each other and with the help of flashing LEDs and the usual robot gestures, can express anything from anger to discontent.
Pre-sale orders were taken on the Sony website from 1 October.
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'Outside of a dog, a book is
probably man's best friend; 'Whoever said you can't buy
happiness forgot about puppies.' 'Dogs feel very strongly that they
should always go with you in the car, 'A dog teaches a boy fidelity,
perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.' 'Did you ever walk into a room and
forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.' 'Ever consider what they must think
of us? 'There is no psychiatrist in
the world like a puppy licking your face.' 'When a man's best friend is his
dog, that dog has a problem.' 'Cat's motto: No matter what you've
done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.' 'I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a
quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, |
'No one appreciates the very special
genius of your conversation as the dog does.' 'In dog years, I'm dead.' 'To his dog, every man is
Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.' 'Don't accept your dog's admiration
as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.' 'I wonder if other dogs
think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.' 'Women and cats will do as they
please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.' 'In order to keep a true
perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him
and a cat that will ignore him.' 'Man is a dog's idea of what God
should be.' 'The average dog is a nicer person
than the average person.' 'If you pick up a starving dog and
make him prosperous, he will not bite you; 'Money will buy you a pretty good
dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.' |
PERMISSION: Yeah, you
can send this Funny to anybody you want.
And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them you got it from
www.MikeysFunnies.com!
= Worth remembering!
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG...
From Tony Butcher
Remove film from box and load camera.
Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
Choose a suitable background for photo
Mount camera on tripod and focus.
Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
Put magazines back on coffee table.
Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, 'No, outside! No, outside!'
Call spouse to clean up mess.
Fix a drink.
Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy 'sit' and 'stay' the first thing in the morning.
If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.
No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.
Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.
Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.
= Even better
It
is not easy to admit that you're a dog-a-holic and it is even harder to bring yourself to a DAA
meeting for help. Here are a dozen questions to ask yourself. If you answer YES to three or
more of them, then you know that you've come to the right place.Good evening. My name is _________ and I AM a Dog-a-holic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of Dog-a-holics Anonymous. Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you here. You may be sitting here thinking that you are okay and that you really don't need any help, but are you really? DAA is here to assist you.
Ask yourself these 12 questions.
Can you say 'Bitch' in public without blushing?
Do you drive an estate car, van or 4x4 when everyone else drives a real car? Do you have more than one car? One for you and one for the dogs?
Do you spend your holidays going to shows, workshops and agility breaks when everyone else goes to the beach? If you do go on holiday, is it to London in March to attend Crufts?
Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly washed running shoes?
Was your furniture and carpeting chosen to match your dogs?
Is your mail made up primarily of dog catalogs and dog magazines?
Do you get up before dawn to go to agility shows and training days?
Do all your clothes have pockets? If so, do those pockets often contain dog treats, liver cake, ball on a rope or squeaky toys?
When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of dog they have and pity them if they don't have one?
Do you remember the name of their dog sooner than you remember their name?
Do you find non-dog people boring?
Do you subscribe to an agility e-list or forum?
So are you a dog-a-holic?
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope.
If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble.
If you answered YES to three or more, you have come to the *right* place.
If you have answered Yes to three or more questions, then my advice to you is to sit back and smile. Turn to the smiling person next to you and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good dogs. And it will never be boring!
=
Good
At
long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls that agility people can relate to! Barbie and Lacey
make a perfect pair! Lacey has long silky hair just like Barbie. She comes with her own collar
and lead. For ages 3 years and over!
Agility Barbie: Unlike most slim, attractive versions of Barbie, this Barbie is quite muscular from hauling very heavy A-frames, seesaws, tunnels, and dogwalks. She can carry an A-frame panel with one arm and set up all of the contact obstacles single handedly.
Barbie comes complete with a full set of agility equipment, lawn chair, cooler, stopwatch, battery operated fans, an open-sided tent for shade, sunscreen, bug-spray, rain suit, waterproof boots, 57 different agility rule books for all occasions, and her very own courier (Ken) who can hand deliver agility entries to the most popular trials and stand in the queue for Barbie.
Ken also helps set up the equipment. Barbie also comes with her own agility dog, Border Collie 'ADCH, MACH, S-NATCH Runaround's Speed Demon etc, etc, etc, 'Contact'. Trailer for hauling agility equipment sold separately.
Obedience Barbie: Barbie comes with a training bag full of gear, a set of utility articles, a full set of regulation obedience jumps, her own lawn chair, cooler, a subscription to Front and Finish, and her very own obedience Golden Retriever OTCh Sparklepond's Shorestepper's Heelalong Fool (better known as Two-hundred.)
Accessories such as HIT ribbons and high scoring club plaques can be purchased separately.
Tracking Judge Barbie: Barbie comes with a polartec snowsuit, Gore-Tex raingear and boots, wool socks, leather tracking gloves, silk long underwear, sunscreen, bug spray, a baseball cap, a waterproof clipboard, mylar paper and space pens in three colors. She also comes with whistles in two different colors to match the snowsuit and rain gear, a complete set of tracking flags, a compass, and a set of 12 different tracking articles.
Unlike most Barbies, this Barbie always has a 'bad hair day' so it's best to leave a hood or the baseball cap over her hair at all times. Included in the deluxe version is Barbie's tracking dog Pokealong's Can't Find Squat TD (Sniffer) a Siberian Husky who comes with his own harness and rope as well as a lifetime supply of hot dogs. Sniffer has been known to eat start articles with one gulp and turn the start flag into a large toy at TDX tests, grabbing it in his mouth and running in large circles around the field (especially when there is a large audience watching).
This version also comes with a case of Valium for Tracking Judge Barbie for this very reason. This is the most expensive Barbie and most collectors prefer to leave her in the original box.
Earthdog Barbie: Barbie comes with her very own monogrammed shovel, a custom-built liner for training and a cage with three live rats. Also included are several pair of jeans, flannel shirts, t-shirts, rain gear, sunscreen, bug spray, and waterproof boots.
Barbie comes with several small terriers (you choose the breed) and two first aid kits (one for the dogs when they get in fights, and one for Barbie when she gets her hand in the way) as well as a .38 revolver for emergencies (don't ask). This version of Barbie can be removed from the box, but some collectors prefer to leave the terriers in the original box.
Herding Barbie: This very popular Barbie comes with her very own authentic drover coat, Stetson cowboy hat, several pair of cowboy boots, waterproof boots for very inclement weather, silk long johns, wool socks, and a monogrammed staff. Much like Tracking Judge Barbie, this version of Barbie has perpetual 'bad hair', so be prepared to leave the cowboy hat on at all times. Also included is her very own monogrammed stretcher so that she can be carried out of the arena when the sheep run over her.
Barbie comes with her own Sheltie, Round 'em Up' s Chaser HI (Yapper). Yapper comes with her own gold-plated chain so that she can be hooked up to the barbed wire fence with all the Cattle Dogs and Border Collies (barbed wire fence not included). Barbie also comes with several sheep, cows, and ducks, making her one of the more expensive Barbies.
Show-dog Barbie: Comes complete with hair proof power breed ring suit with matching leads for the dogs, apron for grooming, x-pen, mats, crate for dog, grooming equipment, blower, and a lifetime supply of hairspray. She also comes with prize show poodle, Ch. B & K's Showstopper, affectionately known as Puffy.
Also comes complete with warning sign, 'Please do not pet the dog' in an attempt to keep the show grooming intact.
The van for show weekends is sold separately.
HRT Barbie: Here we have Barbie arriving at the Hunting Retriever test in her Ford Explorer, the Eddie Bauer designer model, natch. Barbie is decked out head to toe in the latest in cameo patterned shirt, pants and shirling lined vest. On her feet are mock leather desert boots. On her hands are the latest in designer leather driving gloves. Even her designer sunglasses have cameo frames. Around her neck hangs a lovely finely braided lanyard, accented with turquoise. On the lanyard hangs a hand carved duck call and a whistle.
Casually draped over her shoulders to guard against the early morning chill is a lovely pashmina, in cameo, of course. In the back of the SUV beside the crate containing a Chocolate Labrador (with camo collar) sits a wicker picnic basket containing enough gastronomic delights for the entire JH entry. In a cameo cooler, nestled in ice sit the desired liquid refreshments. Also included are a pair of imported wellies, a folding chair with matching cameo umbrella and the traditional English shooting stick.
What a hoot!
Dog Club Chair Person Barbie: And last, but not least, the most popular one of all is the Chairman who comes with TWO cases of Miss Clairol hair color (to color his/her own gray hair), a monogrammed strait jacket, a leather-bound copy of Robert's Rules of Order and a gold-plated gavel. The gavel unscrews at the end and is secretly a 357 magnum which can be used to keep unruly club member under control or just get rid of them all together!
Four wheel drive Sport Utility Vehicles and Mini Vans complete with dog crates are sold separately for all versions of Barbie.
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From Lindsay Parker
Super reading!
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Bill:
I say, I say, I say, my dog ain't got no nose.
