And it can be funny, too!

Mention your dog (again) or an agility show (again) to your non-doggie friends and their eyes glaze over as they stifle a yawn. Yes, folks, there are people out there who will appreciate your agility sense humour. This page is a place where you can share your funnies with like-minded people without fear of retribution or being forced to listen to those big fish stories... again.

So if you see or hear something which will tickle our funny bone, email it to:- Agilitynet. For instance...

The Over Entitled Handler
From Rachel Williams

I need space because my West Country Diamond cockerdoodleollie (i.e. overpriced mongrel) can be nervous. But this is fine because he's from agility lines. They can be highly strung. Mine is aggressive to all other dogs within a mile radius, but my yellow space lead means I can walk through queues and expect everyone else to part like the Red Sea.

Therefore, I can only run if...

• The ring is fully fenced with no pretty pictures of dogs on the fencing.
   

• The ring party blocks all the exits - even the blind members. Surely they can still stop him as he runs out of the ring.
   

• The judge stays perfectly still - unless they want some teeth marks in their trousers.
   

• I can have five minutes to take off his special harness at the start line and the same extra time to catch him after his run, whilst I an dropping food all over the ring and blowing madly on my emergency whistle which, of course, he blatantly ignores. He has to wear a harness, as I can't put any pressure on his vagus nerve and a Halti is just so last century.

My dog's got amazing skills. In training, he can layer the dogwalk and do a threadle wrap at nine months old - but still can't walk on a loose lead. My socialisation training meant that I was sexier than a small mammal in lots of random places, but I avoided all other aspects of teaching my dog how to deal with life. I blame Covid even though he was born in 2023. His split two feet running dogwalks are to die for, but his lack of any sense of self-preservation mean he falls off if the line isn't set from 10m out.

Everyone knows that I'm special because I'm wearing the latest funky show t-shirt and some fab-u-lous ultra-stretch leggings. And boy, do they need to stretch over my cellulite!

Whilst I'm walking the course I'll be telling my friend how to zip this and ketch that, and surely I can layer the weaves so I can get the blind in after the straight 6m tunnel, because who does a rear cross these days, all in a one change of sides Grade 1-3. I will get that blind in - and not break my legs when my dog takes me out - because once a month I remember that I paid some tall fit chap a fortune to have access to his YouTube channel exercises, and damn that direct debit reminder is all I need to log in and do a quick 10 minute workout. After all, I'm running at shows every weekend so surely doing the cool down video will make me run faster.

When it all goes wrong, the (heavily) edited highlights video will appear on Facebook with accompanying music to hide my screaming left as he turns right. His over-aroused, constant barking won't show the six attempts to get the straightforward weave entry. We once got a 90 degree open side entry at training, but that gentle curve to a closed side entry was just on the wrong side. He doesn't like weaving on my right.

After five attempts to get the dogwalk contact - it was the wrong colour - I finally just put him halfway down the down plank to make sure he got it. That threadle wrap he threw in was actually on the wrong side of an off-course jump. He just couldn't decelerate enough for the correct jump. Then there's me waving the pole at him in a threatening manner when he knocked a pole because punishing poles is the only way he'll know that he's hit a jump now that the poles are so light.

But that's all fine because the trophies are naff, and we don't want to win up yet because we are saving ourselves for a Cup final.

26th July 2025

First posted on Facebook and reposted with permission of the author

Doc's awesome ring party at Caerphilly

Doc & the Seven Dwarfs Agility Song
Once you sing this ditty, you won't be able to get it out of your head.

Heigh ho. Heigh ho
It's round the course you go.
At breakneck speed
You will succeed.
Heigh ho. Heigh ho.

Agility Has Got Talent
From Dawn Gilmour

We have talked about it before and I have worked hard to bring this together.

Agility Has Talent will be a talent show for all you amazing singers/dancers musicians or anyone else with a talent other than dog agility.

Gleniffer will host this at our Championship show in September.

I have managed to sort judges, and we are super excited to say that Simon, Amanda, Aleshia and Bruno will be delighted to come to Lanark to judge this prestigious event for us.

All we ask is that we have some volunteers to put them up in their caravans for the weekend please?

Food will be provided by Gordon Ramsay with a buffet style spread on the evening of the performance.

If you have an amazing talent and would like to take part, please upload a short ( 1-3 minute) video of your talent in the comments and we will be in touch shortly if you are short-listed.

Each successful participant will receive £100 for taking part and the overall winner will receive £10,000 in vouchers for future Gleniffer Shows

We hope you are all as excited about this as we are.

This will be televised so audience participation will be lots of ooooooing, aaaahhhhing and cheering and you will all receive a full set of agility equipment for your efforts.

Spectators tickets will be on a first come first served basis and these will be available soon. These will be limited to 500.

1st April 2025

Walk. Don't Run
From Ken Whittington

I hear that the Kennel Club has been asked to consider a new rule about walking the course at shows as a few handlers are running around the course instead of walking it.

This has caused a few accidents where they have run into other handlers who are standing in the middle of the ring discussing how to handle the course. So in future you should only be allowed to walk the course and not run it.

1st April 2025

Footie Fun
Started by Ian Balchin, a lifelong Arsenal supporter

Let's start a dog-related football team called Leads United, starting with...
Feel free to join in.

Is There Nothing that Agility Plaza Can't Do?
As first seen on Agility Plaza FB (13/06/23)

Hi Agility Plaza

I just want to say thank you for everything you have done to make life easier at shows but I would be really grateful if you could do one more thing that would make your service perfect for me. Could you please send someone round to clean my house whilst I am at shows?

Thank you so much.

Jane Piggott

With a selection of other suggestions...

Actually, washing my car would be nice as well.
Judith Falkner

And cut my grass.
Valerie McDonagh

Packing up all my camping gear for the journey home would be great, especially rolling up the windbreaks!
Sara Francis

I'd like you never to let it rain during my runs and could you keep the temperature to under 21*
Beth Nakhalah

Can you walk my courses for me and provide me with a digital copy? That would be great.
Alice Lily

And if you could just run my dog too ....
Val Jackson

Are you listening Mike Brickman...

Letter to The Repair Shop
From Carol Mortimer

Dear Repair Shop -

I have an A-frame that I am very attached to. My children and my grandchildren have used it for many years as have many of my present dogs and ones that have long passed over the rainbow bridge.

Over the years I have painted it and repaired it multiple times but feel that it has reached the point of no return.

Many club members have enjoyed the benefits of its exercise uses with their dogs and would miss it terribly.

Can you help me? I need your experience and skills.

Footnote from Carol
This is my own joke. I am sure that many other agility people have a piece of equipment that brings back memories of happy times over the decade.

How to Recognise Dog Agility People
Adapted from an email from Shelley Grey

Dog agility people are a special breed, not usually recognised by the KC.

They can be identified because they:-

1. Usually have crates in their living rooms.

2. Keep messy houses, but their kennels are spotless.

3. Can always find a show schedule within an arms reach.

4. Have kids who know more about the birds and the bees when they are five than most people know at 40.

5. Will drive 100 miles, spend £50 on petrol and £10 on meals to bring home a 25p rosette.

6. Drive vans.

7. Can never be reached on weekends, unless you happen to be at the same show.

8. Have trouble getting to work on time but can be at ringside by 8:00 am.

9. Will give up a £150,000 home to move to a shack on 10 acres so they can have a £150,000 dog kennel.

10. Have children who grow up believing 'Bitch' is just another household word.

11. Do not have grass or flowers in their gardens.

12. May pay the mortgage 10 days late BUT never miss a closing date for entries.

13. Would rather be audited by the Inland Revenue than investigated by the KC.

14. Use dog food bags for rubbish and rubbish bins for dog food.

15. Talk on the phone for hours to another dog person in a language known only to dog people.

16. Have parents and family who think they've lost their minds, neighbours who think they're strange and doggy friends who theink they're terrific!

Jane was an agility competitor. As the years progressed , she became more and more of a fanatic. One day it occurred to her that Heaven might not have agility trials. She soon became obsessed with this disturbing possibility. It began to interfere with her everyday life.

As a last resort , she went to a fortune teller. The fortune teller asked her, 'Why have you come?' Jane blurted out, 'Ohh, I just have to know, are there agility trials in Heaven?'

The fortune teller sighed and began to peer into her crystal ball. Finally she said, 'I have good news and bad news.'

Jane could hardly contain herself. She said, 'Oh please tell me, are there agility trials in Heaven?'

The fortune teller nodded and said, 'Yes, there are.'

Jane clapped her hands and began to cry with relief. Then she stopped short and said, 'You said there was bad news, too. What is it?'

The fortune teller shrugged and said, 'You are entered this Saturday!' (16/07/01)

Picture: © Kennel Club Good Citizen Scheme

Photo: Ron Rawlingson

If Agility Dogs Were Like Cars...
From Tony Poole

        If dogs were like cars, I'd want my next model to...

• Have a bigger engine
• Get to top speed in less than 6 seconds
• Be an automatic
• Have cruise control
• Be a stylish and sleek sporty model
• Be cheap to run
• Have an anti-slip braking system
• Be responsive to my every move

        Any other suggestions?

Who Says the British Are Obsessed by the Weather?
Submitted by Amanda Pigg

Thank you to Toni Mendham Dawkins for pointing out that, although everyone else may have thought that the weather at Axstane this year was great (just about the hottest day of the year), there certainly was a meteorological feel about the results of the Novice Jumping (Part 2) class. 

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