Agility's Got Talent

Vanessa Hardin and her daughter Lisa (the 12) were watching the final of Britain's Got Talent and saw some guy pulling stuff with his ears followed by some pathetic excuse for entertainment by a Darth Vadar look-alike. They exchanged looks. Surely they could do better than that and off went the application form.

Lisa and I decided that we would do a dog act with Tazi (Sheltie) and Tia (Poodle) - a story of two road sweepers. The dogs could jump over brooms and dance around with Trouble, our appropriately named Yorkie, appearing at the end of the act, popping out of a litter bin. 24 hours later we forgot the conversation or the fact we had ever applied.

It was not. A postal strike had meant that we hadn't received the notice so they emailed us all the details.

'Oh dear, oh dear.' Well actually I think the exact words were slightly ruder. We had no act but decided it would be a fun day out. After all, it was only a trip into London.

Audition 1
As we did not have enough time to teach the dogs an incredibly complicated dog act, we decided to do a mother and daughter face off. Lisa had just done some filming for Street Magic and I would reply with various dog tricks including agility. No problem.

Saturday dawned. The dogs were groomed. Two jumps and six weaves were jammed into our Micra, a tiny suitcase on wheels. The journey there was an event in itself with weave poles flexing backwards and forwards, Lisa's complete magic case, a folding table and, of course, two dogs. What a palaver!

By the time we got on the train, I was pissed off. By the time we got to the destination station and struggled up the escalators, carrying the dogs, I was really pissed off. The fact that the whole way to the audition place was cobbled did nothing for my mood as the suitcase wobbled everywhere and the weaves slapped me continually in the face.

We arrived exhausted and stood in a long line to get our numbers and register with passports, ID, signing our lives away. Then we were directed to a huge hall. We had our own security guard as dogs get special treatment. We sat down and waited. Lisa asked if it was lunchtime. It wasn't. The hall held 1000s. They were all there - cute kids, ugly kids, adults of all shapes and sizes, dancers, singers, football players, jugglers. It was something else!

After a two hour of nothing to do we were all told to go outside and chant 'London's got Talent.' I picked up Tia up who decided the best place to sit was on my shoulders with her paws on my hand. Some director shrieked out, 'Get the poodle to the front' so large lady and dog were stuck at the front, amongst a large group of Shirley Temple look-alikes.

Blimey, it took forever. We returned back to our seats and watched people warm up in a large area surrounded by wannabes. We had our own 'researcher' who came and asked us all the usual questions. Tazi was asleep under Lisa's chair and Tia was getting bored, so I decided to use the 'show off' area. I looked around and saw a group of dancing girls

TV knows no bounds so, of course, they all chortled yes. Now Tia's fave trick is jumping over people so I was quietly confident that this Mama could own the place. One down, two down, three down, four down. Tia was loving it. Well, she is a poodle. Along came director person. Can we do it all again for camera? Of course, I wanted to be famous and earn loads of money. Did they want me naked? No.

Tia jumped about 20 times - one angle, another angle, this way and that way. She did everyone perfectly. They set up two chairs and got Lisa and me to sit down - everything angled and set up by them i.e. magic box, dogs etc. etc. - while they filmed us looking 'natural' and talking. Anyone who knows us well knows that I shout and Lisa answers back so looking natural talking for 40 minutes was worthy of an Oscar. By now, we had missed our audition slot. Great.

Eventually we get taken to one of the many audition rooms. I waddle in, boiling hot, dragging dogs and suitcase with Lisa bringing up the rear. The producer asked us about our act and seemed very enthusiastic about a mother and daughter row on stage with magic and dogs. It had never been done before - blah blah blah.

Surprise, surprise the first audition is not in front of the judges or audience nor is it in any way related to the TV show. I looked at Lisa and we have both forgotten what we are supposed to be doing and we had no idea how long we had. I handed over our background music. It didn't work in their machine. Then I set up two jumps and weaves. Off we went. Lisa decides to start and asks me to pick a card. The dogs are off lead and wandering around the room. Help! Get dogs back. Lisa does trick. Dogs weave in tandem. Lisa does another trick but says nothing as she has gone into silent mode. She asks me to help with trick. The dogs go walkabouts. Tazi discovers a sandwich in the producer's bag and eats it. We get dogs back, do a jump which Tia knocks down. The producer yawns and says he has seen enough and can we get out. We pack as quickly as possible. He asks us to finish packing outside.

I remark 'We were crap, weren't we?' He looks up and says the standard of the dog acts had been very good and, if we got any further, we should bring the rest of our dogs. I mentally think I would rather walk across broken glass than risk Trouble or Nike (aka Hannibal Lector).

Hot and bothered we went back to the station, using the escalator time again with the dogs under my arms. The suitcase had a mind of its own. We were in bad moods when we got onto the train. We decided to try again next year... after we had practised. Audition forgotten.

Audition 2
It was a freezing cold, deep winter day in January when I found a message on the answering machine from Britain's Got Talent (BGT). Could we ring them about a licence for Lisa. Deep breath. I phoned. They wanted me to get a licence for Lisa as we had been short-listed for the televised shows at Hammersmith in February. Nobody had been confirmed, and the only acts contacted were those with kids in so that licences could be sorted out.

I queried the short-list status which apparently meant that, subject to the producers not seeing anything that was unsuitable, we would be going before the judges. I sat down and contemplated. We had no act and no ideas. Did we want to be slated by Simon? Yes, we did.

Now onto negotiations with Lisa over what we should do. It was decision time - same format as before, but we needed to practice and have perfect timing. We had about three weeks to get it together. We decided to include Trouble (Yorkie) in the act but did not dare to have her on stage for the whole act. She's not called Trouble for nothing!

Then we had another call from the BGT team, explaining that we had two minutes on stage. They had decided that we instead of Hammersmith (West London) should go to Cardiff. Yes, Wales. But we live in London. I decided we should not. They said that people would travel to the ends of the earth to perform on the biggest show in the history of the universe. Please think about it and they would call back in two hours.

I asked Lisa who just said to me 'Would you do a big dog agility final in Cardiff?' Of course I would, so it was decided. We were going to Cardiff. We borrowed three wings and tunnel from our club Watford AC. Work loaned me a large, non-slip mat for the feature jump and the practicing began. It was a relief when the final final final rehearsal worked. The dogs were letter perfect. The music was working, edited so we could talk in-between. The floor (course) plan was finished and the car converted into transporter mode. Go that Tardis. We were ready.

BGT rang to say that we needed an animal licence so I got one. The dogs were washed, food packed and dogsitter sorted for Nike, our young poodle. We were mentally prepared for three buzzes and humiliation. Yup, we were ready to go to Wales, but the Garmin (SatNav) played up. It had never heard of the Welsh Millennium Centre? I finally realised I that I needed to change country on it.

Day of reckoning
The groomed dogs were bundled into our Micra at 4am. Every available bit of space was crammed. Lisa and I were on the M4 when our 'researcher' Lucy phoned to find out where we were. We found Cardiff and the Millennium Centre, but could not find entrance to dump the stuff off. Lucy was useless. Ended up on some security bollards and a security guy told us how to get the right place so drove around Millennium Centre for billionth time. Dropped off equipment and parked in a multi-storey, a short walk across a road. We had arrived. The were loads and loads of people queuing already for the performance. OMG, they were going to watch us on stage!

We were escorted to back of building and told that dogs were not allowed in with the contestants so we had a room in the basement. Sent to solitary confinement. The good bit was dogs could chill and be off lead, but the bad news was that it was accessed with a code which they would not give us. Every time we wanted to leave, it was a pain to get back in. Back to good news we could leave bags and food in high security.

We had just sat down when the first knock at door came. It was the research team there to ask questions. They showed us around the place. We saw all the other contestants in the crammed 'holding room' and were glad we had own pad. We went to the stage and met lovely stage manager who said we could have carpet on stage. We set up all our stuff according to my meticulous plan.

I asked if someone would hold Trouble for act and was told that Ant and Dec would do it, but we would have to ask them just before we went on. What happens if they say no? They won't. Shoot, do not need this pressure now as act is doomed if they decide not to be part of act. We were chaperoned back to dungeons.

We were just about to make coffee when the film crew arrived. Can they take some film of us? I am first to go and Lisa is hysterical with laughter (off putting). Then it was Lisa's turn, dogs turn, more dog's turn. Can Tazi wave again please... and again... and again. Take dogs out to wee. Whoa the crowd had expanded to around the building. Lisa's official chaperones arrived. I am not allowed to leave her at any time so if I need the toilet I was to ring them and they will look after her. Did she want to go upstairs and sit with contestants for a bit. No, she did not. Weirdo child.

They gave me their mobile number and departed and, of course, I decided it was toilet time. The mobile did not work as there was no signal but realistically who is going to do anything to Lisa in a high security holding with three dogs in the room so I ignored health and safety for bladder control. Right, lets get the coffee going. Wrong. The film crew back to see Tazi wave again. Blimey, her paw will fall off shortly. Thermos opened - looking good. Wrong again. The door knock again. By this time, the dogs ignored it and did not even bother getting up for visitors. Could we go outside for filming?

We were escorted to front of building and walked down the red carpet with people cheering, very nice of them. Then we realised it is because Simon is about to arrive. We were standing in icy wind with a fluffy mike in the face, about to be interviewed, when in came Simon Cowell.

The final episode!
We both looked at Simon straight in the eye. The stage is actually quite small and you are really close to the judges. You don't really see the audience because of the lights so it is seems to be just you and the judges. Simon asked us who we were. Lisa replied 'I am Lisa and this is my mother.' I smiled and said 'I am Vanessa and this is my daughter.' Simon raised his eyes to the ceiling and I wondered if this was a bad, very bad omen! He asked us about our act and I explained that I considered dogs the most entertaining thing on earth and Lisa was backing street magic so we had brought it to the nation to decide in a face off.

Simon retorted that he didn't 'get it' but the rest of the 2000 crowd seemed to have understood the simple concept. He continued, 'So you are telling me that at home you are constantly training the dogs and Lisa is doing magic.'

Yay, the penny dropped. 'Yup,' I said proudly. 'Lisa is always doing magic and I am always doing the dogs.' The audience roared with laughter. I looked at Simon with a question mark above my bonce and he just did a lopsided smirk and said 'Forget them. They have dirty minds.'

I suppose in a non-doggy crowd it could be misunderstood so I did the best impersonation of a tomato ever, covered my face with my hands, looked at the threesome and then the huge buzzers. 'I must be as red as your buzzers now.' Simon and Amanda smiled. Piers remained frozen faced. The audience giggled, and it was at that moment in time that I realised that I loved being on stage and 'working the crowd.' I mean really LOVED it. No nerves. I was ready to show them what this Mama could do with three dogs so off we went.

The music started early. Shoot. Tia was off and over the first jump followed by Tazi with me in the middle of the stage, commanding like a conductor. Tia veered left into the wings and jacked a cute kid's sandwich. I screamed. Tia returned with a crust and piece of ham hanging from her mouth and breaks the speed of light going through the tunnel. The tunnel bounces off its stands which the stage crew had not secured as per my instructions, and it became possessed, rolling around the stage with a mind of its own. Tazi looked at me as I screamed 'tunnel.' She replies with a look of' 'No way am I going through a rolling tunnel,' so I quickly ignored it and got her and Tia over the last jump. The audience was laughing. Lisa did the magic trick where the ring levitates while I quickly put the final jump up a notch.

Then I handed Tia to Lisa and turned to judges and said that Tazi represented Amanda because she was beautiful and clever. Tazi did a couple of spins and the infamous wave to Amanda. The crowd goes' ahhhh.' Quick changeover with Lisa. Tia walked on her hind legs while I supported her, staring straight at Mr Morgan. Then I said that 'Tia represented Piers because she has a long pedigree and heritage. Tia did tunnel and high jump from distance. Piers' face was still in frozen mode. Lisa collected Tia and I turned to Simon saying that, of course, there are three judges. I put jump even higher. There was a dramatic pause.

'Trouble,' I called. On cue, Ant let Trouble go from the wings and she shots across the stage towards me like one demented. The crowd laughed again. I said 'tunnel' which Trubs does, again, again and again. Then she went goes under the jump which in all fairness to Trubs is right in front of stage lights. She tried again. She went under again via several repeated tunnels. Simon buzzed while Trouble was still going in and out of tunnel.

Lisa did the final card trick which was getting Amanda to choose a card and then pretending the trick has gone wrong. Piers buzzed. Lisa concluded act and lo and behold, Amanda's card was stuck to the underside of her small table. Amanda was amazed. Piers still did not get it but then, if he had bothered to watch the act, he probably would have. We finished exactly with the end of the music which was Our Time Now.

Verdict time
With two buzzes, it was not looking good but I was still loving it. Piers said that it was a no from him, while Amanda sai , 'Only on Britain’s got Talent would you see something like this. Only in England. It was bizarre but entertaining so I am going to say yes.'

Simon was now looking at us. 'Okay, guys, the act was amateurish. The magic was awful and the dog did not even go over the jump.'

Amanda interrupted, ''Well, it was supposed to be you, Simon and you would go under.'

Simon, looking impressed now, asked 'Did you train her to go under?' I hesitated. Should I lie or tell truth. Hmmm...better set a good example to Lisa and sigh replied, 'No, but would you like to see her go over?" in a slightly challenging way.

You could hear a pin drop. The atmosphere was electric. I calmly took Trubs to six feet away from huge jump and said sit. I moved to jump and point at top pole and I said 'over" in my 'just do it' voice. Little Trouble sailed it. The crowd erupted. Simon who is owned by a Yorkie smiled and said. 'I would like to come to your house and see you training the dogs.' Piers looked at him incredulously.

The crowd was still cheering. Lisa and I were gob smacked. We waved to crowd and ran towards Ant and Dec. OMG! We got an invitation to next round. Ant and Dec are laughing. I thanked them as the most professional part of our act, jumped up and down, bantered away and went off through the false door that goes nowhere. The producer grabbed us and said they wanted to do more filming of us. We say farewell to nice transvestite and the brothers who danced, both of whom went through tot he 'lives.'

Back at the cell, some guy came down and filmed Trouble for what seemed to be forever. While I got the car, Lisa waited with dogs and equipment. She reported that everyone from the production team had come to see Trouble. This was Yorkie time. We met the Producer who told me that we were the funniest thing she had ever seen and we would definitely be on TV which unfortunately proved to be untrue.

We bumped into people leaving from audience who are all cheering and asking, 'where's Trouble?' I planned on how to spend the fortune we obviously are going to earn from adverts and interviews. Clutching onto invitation to a day in London for the "Reveal day" i.e. the day when the acts find out who is going live, we were homeward bound and buzzing. I want to go back on stage!

Reveal Day
With our expenses paid, we drove into London and waited for hours in large fancy room. The dogs were perfect in every way and just chilled. We were then taken by coach to theatre in West End. It was surreal. There we were standing in an alley behind a theatre while we waited for a pig to get in. Tazi and Tia ignored it while Trouble remembered she was on the barf diet and wanted to kill it. The pig squealed. Trouble squealed louder. Eight men took the pig wrapped in a sheet. Simon goes on and on about how much it would mean to all of us to get through.

Simon concluded saying 'Sorry, guys you did not quite make it this time.' Everyone else was devastated, but Lisa and I were actually astounded to have got this far. We gave judges thank you notes each because we were very well brought up. Simon says again 'I am so sorry.' I smile at my new bf and said that we'd had an amazing time and that we did not want to get any further. Simon and Amanda looked at me in horror. I laughed 'You guys have been in media too long.'

We returned to the grand Connaught Rooms in a bus full of moaning wailing peeps. The winners get ferried to Wembley for their next bit but we had a great day out. There was a petrified collie, shaking and stressed. The owner says she thought she was going to do well. I was really upset. If dogs had a voice they could tell their owners that this crazy circus is not for them. My three loved the attention and showed no signs of stress at all. If they had I would have taken them home.

Conclusion
If you are prepared for the media twisting and manipulating and the crowd baying for blood then have a go. For me it will be always be a memory of the day mother, daughter and dogs met Simon Cowell and took part in a major TV show. I would not change a thing. Okay, we were not on TV though Tia was in a couple of clips, but we had a great time and I found out that I love being on a stage with an audience. The dogs made my heart swell with pride. They went on that stage like pros and Lisa's magic was awesome despite Simon's comments. Ant and Dec were legends, probably the best part of it all and I hugged them both. Yes, the Media is fickle, false and twisted, but as long as you can accept this then roll on BGT. We may even do it again sometime!

About the authors...
Lisa Hardin was 12 years old when she did Britain's Got Talent. She has done competition agility since she was five years old and is currently training her own dog which she bought herself with earnings from appearing on Are You Smarter than a 10 Year Old? She has done magic for the last three years and is a member of the Junior Magic Circle. In addition, she does TV and film work as well as her agility so she is a busy young lady.

Lisa also does fundraising for Great Ormond Street's laser unit where she has been a patient since she was six months old for treatment of a facial birthmark.

Vanessa Hardin has been doing agility since 1987 but still manages to get courses wrong! She teaches at Watford Agility Club and is currently competing with a Yorkshire Terrier and a Miniature Poodle. Her biggest success was winning Olympia Mini Agility Dog of the Year with a poodle and coming 3rd with a Yorkie in the 1990s.

She works in a school for deaf children in St. Albans, but dogs are her passion followed by being a computer geek.

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